Bricks Revolt, Humans Forced To Take Bus
by Adam & Lara on 09/04/10
Bricks took to the streets of Christchurch early this morning in a protest that has left several automobiles dead and hundreds seriously injured.
The macabre aftermath: Broken bricks and a destroyed BMW lie next to each other, motionless.
At 4:35 am, bricks and cinderblocks covering the exterior walls of prominent downtown Christchurch buildings freed themselves from their mortar and began pummeling parked cars below. Following the carnage, which lasted for almost one minute, at least three area cars are completely undrivable. The New Zealand Department of Transportation released an early damage report estimating that over 300 cars have been "dented and scratched to the point where owners would be embarrassed to drive them around town."
Even modest, economical vehicles with decent gas mileage and no frills were targeted, leaving their owners wallowing in temporary inconvenience.
The crisis intensified throughout the day as the victims' owners gradually realized they would have to take the bus to get to and from local supermarkets, banks, restaurants and even parks.
"I was just coming to terms with the fact that my Beemer 5-Series now looks like it's owned by a poor person," said ex-car owner Cynthia Cromwell, "when I realized that I had to take the bus to get to the spa, just like an actual poor person."
Gone in seconds: This 2009 Toyota hatchback, once a sleek and shiny road machine, now looks all denty and stupid, like some sort of crackwhore owns it.
Christchurch police have yet to uncover a motive for the gang-style attack, but Police Commissioner Howard Broad asserts the sturdy building materials were definitely provoked.
"Those parked cars, comin' and a-goin' as they please, with their shiny logos and sleek paint jobs," Broad said, "they think they're hot stuff. With their fancy-schmancy windshield wipers, wipin' away the rain with the click of a lever, never gettin' wet and such. Bricks do not have windshield wipers. I checked each one - no wipers. Think about it."
New Zealand officials say today's protest was the bloodiest clash of inanimate objects in the country since the Invercargill Road Cone Riot of 1974.
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