Reason #10: Corporate speak
by Adam & Lara on 02/13/10
Every work environment that requires lots of communication has adopted some amount of slang or colloquialisms. Sometimes the point is to share an idea more quickly: "Neat?" is faster to say than "do you want me to put it in a glass without ice?" Some industries (particularly construction) tend to use old-fashioned slang to bring emphasis or emotion to a statement: "We'll be shittin' in tall cotton" evokes stronger feelings than "we'll be very happy about our situation." Same with "that apprentice doesn't know shit from Shinola" or "that's a shit-ton of bricks" or "the owner is gonna have a shit-storm."
But in the corporate world, these industry-standard phrases don't make conversations shorter or more exciting. In fact they pretty much do the opposite. They make them longer and more meaningless. Here is a sample of what I heard (and unfortunately said) over the years:
- leverage: This means "use" but it's a mechanical term so it sounds like you're actually doing something tangible instead of making a PowerPoint presentation.
- learnings: At some point somebody forgot that the word "knowledge" existed (ironic) and opted to make a noun that means "the things I learned." When you use this word it automatically calls into question if you've ever learned anything.
- low-hanging fruit: Low-hanging fruit is the easiest fruit to pick! Unfortunately this metaphor breaks down when you consider that low-hanging fruit is generally the first to rot or get infested with insects.
- eat your own dog food: This basically means to be a user of your own product. While it sounds ridiculous, it's actually better than the original phrase "wipe with your own hemorrhoidal pads."
- productize: A great example of distancing language. It helps you forget what you're actually doing and instead feel like you're doing something constructive. You're not making it so that people have to pay you money for something that used to be free, you're productizing it.
- open kimono: To be honest and transparent in your actions, just like when you expose your genitalia to everybody.
- true north: Refers to your goal, and is a huge burn to anybody who cares about magnetic north, which is everybody.
- deliverables: What you actually have to do, which are generally the things you don't have time to do until you're done with all of your meetings. This word only exists because it's too harsh on the ego to call it "homework."
- sexy: In software, this word applies to products, technologies, user interfaces and never other human beings.
