Reason #9: Meat pies
by Adam & Lara on 02/17/10
Let me tell you about two of my favorite things ever:
Figure 1: meat
Figure 2: pie
Fig. 3: meat pie
Meat pies share their greatness with a scant few other fusion cuisines:
Fig. 4: toast
Fig. 5: strudel
Fig. 6: toaster strudel (a.k.a. Pop Tarts)
Fig. 7: Mr. Pibb
Fig. 8: Red Vines
Fig. 10: mechanically separated chicken
Fig. 11: partially defatted pork fatty tissue
Fig. 12: Potted Meat food product
Reason #10: Corporate speak
by Adam & Lara on 02/13/10
Every work environment that requires lots of communication has adopted some amount of slang or colloquialisms. Sometimes the point is to share an idea more quickly: "Neat?" is faster to say than "do you want me to put it in a glass without ice?" Some industries (particularly construction) tend to use old-fashioned slang to bring emphasis or emotion to a statement: "We'll be shittin' in tall cotton" evokes stronger feelings than "we'll be very happy about our situation." Same with "that apprentice doesn't know shit from Shinola" or "that's a shit-ton of bricks" or "the owner is gonna have a shit-storm."
But in the corporate world, these industry-standard phrases don't make conversations shorter or more exciting. In fact they pretty much do the opposite. They make them longer and more meaningless. Here is a sample of what I heard (and unfortunately said) over the years:
- leverage: This means "use" but it's a mechanical term so it sounds like you're actually doing something tangible instead of making a PowerPoint presentation.
- learnings: At some point somebody forgot that the word "knowledge" existed (ironic) and opted to make a noun that means "the things I learned." When you use this word it automatically calls into question if you've ever learned anything.
- low-hanging fruit: Low-hanging fruit is the easiest fruit to pick! Unfortunately this metaphor breaks down when you consider that low-hanging fruit is generally the first to rot or get infested with insects.
- eat your own dog food: This basically means to be a user of your own product. While it sounds ridiculous, it's actually better than the original phrase "wipe with your own hemorrhoidal pads."
- productize: A great example of distancing language. It helps you forget what you're actually doing and instead feel like you're doing something constructive. You're not making it so that people have to pay you money for something that used to be free, you're productizing it.
- open kimono: To be honest and transparent in your actions, just like when you expose your genitalia to everybody.
- true north: Refers to your goal, and is a huge burn to anybody who cares about magnetic north, which is everybody.
- deliverables: What you actually have to do, which are generally the things you don't have time to do until you're done with all of your meetings. This word only exists because it's too harsh on the ego to call it "homework."
- sexy: In software, this word applies to products, technologies, user interfaces and never other human beings.
Reason #11: Parking
by Adam & Lara on 02/12/10
...sucks. Mint only has my transactions categorized back to the end of July, so I assume this is about half of what I spent on parking tickets for the Jeep and motorcycle in 2009:
Assuming you find a spot that isn't getting cleaned the next morning, you still have the risk of theft. The Jeep has been broken into thrice, and the motorcycle has been broken "onto" twice.
So it's actually worth the going rate of $250/month ($4.63/sq. ft.) for a protected parking spot. Boo.
Reason #12: Commuting
by Adam & Lara on 02/11/10
It took me an hour to drive 35 miles to and from work every day. I probably worked 48 out of 52 weeks per year on average over the past 4.5 years. I drove at least 90% of the time; the other 10% of the time I took the Caltrain, which would have it's own blog post if they didn't let you drink booze while riding. That's 1080 total days of work, 68,040 miles driven and 2160 hours driving.
That's exactly 3 months that I've spent commuting, which puts it just behind sleep and Human Resource Management 300 as the biggest waste of time in my entire life.
The only other thing I want to say is that while I love the idea of commuting via bicycle, I don't love the idea of sweaty people walking by me in spandex as I drink coffee and read emails*. If I did, I'd work at the Starbucks at 18th and Castro.
Reason #13: Green Bay Packers fans
by Adam & Lara on 02/09/10
Happy Birthday Fogle! This one's for you buddy.
If you've ever played a board game with a 4-year-old (or me) then you can probably relate to watching a Packers game with a Packers fan. Illogical tantrums and foot-stomping when things don't go their way. Shrieking and gloating when they score, or when the other team doesn't score. Or, for that matter, when a player on the other team is carried off on a stretcher. It's immaturity meets lack of sportsmanship. And it is annoying.
I'll give them this - they are great football fans. They follow the game, know their facts and their loyalty prevails win or lose. I am a Rams fan, and that is not the case. When the Rams lose I chock the season up as a "rebuilding year" and go read the baseball scouting reports. When they win I get pissed that I didn't watch the game because they're probably going to lose next week.
But the Packers fans' candy shell of redemption quickly melts away to reveal the tough, chewy nougat of always-taking-it-way-too-far. Try interacting (let along living, as I did for 6 years of my life) with a Packers fan in the week following a loss. It's like hanging out with a lobotomy patient. They become droopy, pouty skeletons of their former selves, unable to lift themselves from the intense sadness that is Aaron Rodgers fumbling to an Arizona linebacker for a touchdown return. Granted that was really really sad. But by that logic Rams fans would have hanged themselves after SuperBowl XXXVI. But we didn't - we kept our heads up - and look how far we've come.
Maybe the Packers fans' erratic behavior can be explained through a poor diet. You'd be surprised how quickly the perkiness disappears from corn-fed blond Lutheran girls after they're stuffed with cheese curds and Spotted Cow for umpteen years. Or maybe the root cause is social isolation. As shocking as it sounds, there's just not much going on in the Green Bay-Oshkosh-Sheboygan tri-metro area. Either way, I'm over it.
That's why we're moving to a non-isolated country known for it's healthy diet and mild sports manner.
Reason #14: Public dumping
by Adam & Lara on 02/07/10
No, this is not a rant about the environmental hazards of dumping trash into our oceans and landfills. I am talking about people defecating on the streets of San Francisco.
If you have never encountered this, consider yourself extremely lucky. Because in my 4+ years in this fine city, I have witnessed 3 (count 'em, 3) public dumping violations. And each one has scarred me in its own horrific way.
First there was the drop-your-overalls-but-keep-walking-while-you-go maneuver I witnessed in the Financial District while heading back to work from my lunch break. I'd been in SF for 2 months, had just gotten my first big girl job in the city and pretty much thought everything was sunshine and rainbows. Until I saw that.
I didn't eat for 2 days.
Then I moved to the Lower Haight about a year ago, where the next 2 episodes took place. One as I was walking from the train home after a long day of work. And the last (and undoubtedly most terrifying) incident as I was laying in bed one morning. For those of you who haven't seen our place, it's a partially below-ground unit, with windows all around giving you a waist-down view of passers-by. So I awoke one Saturday morning with a mild hangover. As I'm laying in bed contemplating getting up to start my day, a person walks up to my window. Clearly they think they've found a nice secluded place to go about their business. And before I realize what the hell is going on, this person drops trough and I saw more than I EVER wanted to see of another human being.
Now I realize that the Lower Haight is a slightly grittier neighborhood with somewhat questionable residents, therefore increasing the likelihood of incidents such as this. But I refuse to believe that these public dumpers restrict themselves to a 10-block radius. Which means these people are all over the city, doing this. Now I'm not sure how to stop this behavior, nor do I want to deal with it. So Adam and I are going to New Zealand, and you all can deal with this shit.
Reason #15: We don't have jobs anymore
by Adam & Lara on 02/06/10
We've heard it a million times. All of you "workaholics" out there say that they need to "make a living" by "performing a service" in exchange for "money." I bet you'd tell me that you "have a family to support" or "own a house" that you have to "pay for." Perhaps you're one of those people who feel the need to "buy groceries" and "go to the dentist." Well I've got some news for you. Life without a job is not only possible, it's AWESOME. I know, because I've lived this dream life for 4 hours and counting:
Figure 1: Look at how awesome my life is.
Reason #16: Taxes
by Adam & Lara on 02/05/10
Booooooooooooooo:
Thanks to TurboTax, at this violent reaming was quick and easy to navigate through. To ensure that this doesn't happen in 2010, my solution will be not making any money. I'll start the day after tomorrow.
RIP Old Blog
by Adam & Lara on 02/05/10
If you're looking for the old blog you can find it here: http://andnowthisishappening.blogspot.com/
The old blog had a short, happy life. The little guy really fought up until the end. We'll remember him fondly. And OH MAN how hiliarious was the post about hipsters?
Anywho, my friend Nick reminded me that in order to keep up on our 20 Reasons Why We're Going to New Zealand list we'll have to basically provide a new reason every single day until we go. And I have no problems doing that. My advice to the readers: make this your homepage. That way you won't miss what we have to say.
This blog has a newer, BETTER home.
by Adam & Lara on 02/04/10
Why? Because Intuit Websites now has a blog feature. And because I work (at least for the next 2 days) at Intuit. And, thanks to Intuit's website building tools I can make this blog as badass as I want it to be (surely more badass than your blog, if you have a blog).
You may have heard of Intuit Websites through the TV advertsing they've been doing of late. If you watch Trading Spouses, John & Kate Plus 8, Making The Team - Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, Lobster Men, or Little People - Big World, then I KNOW you've seen these ads. If you're looking for a sweet website like this one you can go do a free trial here...
But seriously, look how sweet this new site is.
Notice the improved about-the-author section. I did that.
Notice the new Google Latitude widget. I did that.
So long story short, you'll be getting the same knee-slapping banter and genius commentary as before, but in a whole new life-like 3D* experience. I'm sorry if your brain just exploded - it just means you're too weak for the sauce that the Saraceno is BRINGIN'.
*Not in 3D
