Adam and Lara went to New Zealand and 9 months later the oysters have herpes.

For reals. A strand of herpes has killed off about 10% of the adult oysters and over 50% of the juvenile oysters in New Zealand's North Island.

Are we worried that the oysters got herpes from us? Absolutely not. But for reasons that will remain unnamed Adam was slightly scared that he might get herpes from the oysters. Tests have proved otherwise, thank goodness.

The real travesty here is that scientists are blaming this on global warming. We're not here to say whether or not global warming plays a factor, but what we are saying is that we can't turn a blind eye to shellfish promiscuity. That's right, oyster skanks. These oysters - especially the young ones - think that life is one giant shuck-fest. And in today's briny deep, the consequences for flapping your pearls about town are dire. Consequences are also red, slightly raised and extremely itchy.

Wait a sec... this just in... the real travesty is that the Oyster Industry Association chairman is named Callum McCallum. What a toolbag.

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Since Jim and Bonny peaced out we haven't really be up to much. Just hiking one of the most renowned multi-day trails in the world (post to come). It's no big deal, really. I'm sure you have an app on your iPad that can tell you all about it.

In New Zealand news, there is currently a Cirkovic circus going on here. It's like a regular circus except the animals are all Croatian instead of related to Adam. Lara's siblings Luke (Chico, California) and Anne (Dallas, Da-Dirty-Dirty) flew in yesterday and we've been at it ever since.

Once we got to the top of St. John's Observatory the incredible view whisked away all of our concerns regarding the chronic grinding noise coming from the Steema's transmission.


Oh haaay girl, just hangin out at Lake Tekapo in my Bass Pro Shop hat.


One of the great things about staying in hostels is that you sometimes wake up to find a Dragon Wagon parked next to you.


Traveling the World has a tendency to enlighten you to things that may have been in front of your face you're whole life. Thanks to the graffiti above Luke's bunk we now realize that the name Angus is one letter away from "anus."


In Christchurch we went to a bar that served "kiwi kegs." The same bar ironically also asked us to remove our hats because they have a dress code after 10pm.


Jim would definitely have some words with the builders of this establishment. Don't get us wrong, Lego blocks look great but their tensile strength is shit. It's amazing this cafe survived the Christchurch quake.


Giant companies spend millions buying insurance policies from this guy. This guy.

[PHOTO REMOVED FOR [PHOTO REMOVAL REASON REMOVED]] - If you're one of the privileged few, you can view it here. 
New Zealand has no law against open containers and also no law about useless annoying passengers.

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Now that Jim and Bonny are back in the safe and caring hands of the good ol' US (we hear there is a Tea Party going on there - sounds neat!) we can sit back and take a look at the top 10 definining moments of their visit.

1. Doubtful Sound(ly asleep)

Boating through a dramatic and pristine fjord evokes thrill, wonder, amazement and if you're Bonny, narcolepsy.

Jet lag is a bitch, especially when you're in the company of people who will shamelessly taunt you for it.

2. Meat the Parents

There used to be 5 food groups until we ate one of them at Lara's restaurant.

That poor bib didn't even know what was comin'.

3. Catching Fish (in the singular form)

Adam and Jim spend a day on the rivers outside of Queenstown with a flyfishing guide. Jim caught a 4lb. trout, then dropped it before we could get a decent picture of it. This gave Adam something to tease Jim about, which worked out great because Adam caught jack shit.

Even if you don't catch any fish, hiring a guide is like insurance that protects you from helplessly standing around looking like a monkey f*cking a football. And for all you potty mouth disapprovers, that's Jim's expression.

4. BEES!

The four of us were wine tasting (acutally, it was closer to wine bonging) in Gibbson Valley when a freakishly large swarm of bees came out of nowhere and formed into a Bieber-hairdoo-like ball in the branches of a nearby tree.

When teased and agitated, this colony of bees can collectively deliver a dose of venom that is as lethal as Justin Bieber's actual hairdoo (also when teased and agitated).

5. The Bruce is Loose!

At Bruce Bay we set up a rock shrine to our aweseome selves. But it wasn't right to pay homidge to us without including my sister Anna and her fiance Anna. And it wasn't right to include them without including their pets. And it wasn't right to include their pets without including their dead androgynous fish.

It was a slippery slope, but we carried through with it because rocks are super cheap in New Zealand.

6. Adam Makes Fun of Jim

This happened a bunch of times, but this time was particularly funny (because Adam was wearing Jim's jacket) and awesome (because we were near a glacier).

Hahaha, Jim reads things. Who does that?!

7. N0 F00lin'

It is painfully evident that the New Zealand Department of Conservation ran out of O's awhile back. Their resourceful solution was to slap in a zero here and there and hope that nobody would notice. Yeah, sounds good and and all, but guess what - ADAM NOTICED. Idiots.

Supp now, Department of Conservation? Did it hurt when I hit you with 4 years of highschool yearbook proofreading? Stupids.

 8. Rapahoe Beach Projects

We stayed at a motor camp on Rapahoe Beach. Our accomodation consisted of a trailer set up on cinderblocks with a wooden shed built off the side of it. Surprisingly we had zero domestic disturbances throughout the night.

 Lara took to the trailer park lifestyle quite well, totally taking all pressure off of Adam to do something with his life.

9. Bonny Takes The High Road

Some mothers have kids and spend the rest of their lives wondering why the hell they ever did that. Bonny Saraceno only spent 28 years wondering.

If the benefit of procreating is not immediately obvious to you, just think about what it will be like 28 years later when you're hiking across an estuary in the Abel Tasman National Park when the tide is coming in.

10. Lara Forever

Our waiter in Picton had Lara's name tattoed on his arm. In Adam's book that is an inexcusable bro-foul.

Whatever bro, she digs Jewish guys.

Come to think of it, those actually weren't the top 10 moments.

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Adam here, otherwise known as the comedy genius behind that last post.

Did I go overboard? Cause to tell you the truth, even if each of the 283 words of the previous post were wiggly fingers touching my baby-soft tummy, they still wouldn't tickle me as much as the comedic explosion unleashed by those words themselves. Goblins with anuses for heads? That's so brilliant and forward-thinking! This "Brad" character (see comments on previous post) must have Andrew Dice Clay (bad boy of ass comedy) confused with Carl Sagan (rad boy of astronomy). It's okay Brad, we all make whoopsy-daisies at one time or another. I have tightened the security settings of this blog so that such silly-billy nonsense will no longer make it through the comment acceptance filter.

Anywho, Jim, Bonny and Lara all tell me that I was being a jerk, so here's your apology:

Kayaking in Doubtful Sound.


Catching 4lb. trout out of the Oreti River.


Livin' the dream on swing bridges.


Being totally dialed near glaciers.


Pole dancing.


Goat touching.


Pig watching.


Unionizing.

It's been a great trip so far and we haven't been kicked out of any public places yet.

Yet...

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Oh, we're sorry! Have we not been shoving your simpleton knob-humping minds with enough blog posts lately? Have you been forced to seek alternate means of entertainment, such as The Youtubes, Twitterpedia and Fantasy Foosball? Well we'd really like to apologize, butt nuggets.

You see, we've been extremely busy quitting our jobs so that we can hang out with Jim and Bonny Saraceno. And now they're here. And you're not, motherf*ckers. Also you're ugly.

In the foreground: Jim and Bonny. In the background: glacial fjords. Staring at the computer screen: a bunch of worthless pee-drinking stupidfaces who aren't in New Zealand.

Actually, if one didn't know that Jim and Bonny were in town, they'd probably conclude that Adam and Lara's lives are falling to shambles. Since they got here we've quit our jobs and left our home, and our drinking is up 40%.

We'll let you guess which one of these people is retired.

Anyway, we're in the town of Fox on the West Coast and we're going to go hiking around some f*cking glaciers tomorrow. No big deal, I'm sure you're going to go enjoy a beautiful, rare and rapidly depleting natural wonder tomorrow as well. You're probably bad at sports, by the way.

We parked the Steema someplace safe and rented a nicer car so we won't look like tourists.

Long story short - we're busy farting around (literally) with Jim and Bonny, internets is expensive so we won't be writing much, and you all are a bunch of big fat anus-headed goblins (goblins, but instead of goblin heads you have anuses for heads).

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A couple months ago Adam and Lara went on a walk. But wait, there's more.

You see, Adam is currently in the business of buildin' New Zealand. In this particular case, he's buildin' a 3-million-dollar house for a very rich kiwi man who made all of his money in America. "Buildin'," by the way, is an umbrella term that includes "dismantling concrete boxing" and "sweeping."

Anywho Adam and Lara walked by the jobsite so they decided to take a peek inside (naughty?).

 The house is located atop a giant sloped rock, which makes viewin' New Zealand amazing but buildin' New Zealand a huge pain in the ass.

 The rear scaffold (removed last week) was a great place for viewin' New Zealand and also for avoidin' the foreman (whilst in) New Zealand.

 Adam, full time man, standin' amidst the dusty flotsam of New Zealand buildin'.

Shittin' New Zealand.

Just Build It NZ is the name of Adam's construction company. The name was probably based on Jim Saraceno's construction company, Just Shut Up and Build the God Damn Thing.

Oh, and Adam only has 2 more days of work. Then it'll be back to destroyin' New Zealand.

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Adam and Lara currently have a photo upload defecit, which means that even if we had been doing awesome things in the last month (we have been - why did you say it like that?) we wouldn't be able to show you. Hence, filler.

The last relics of the British empire:

1. Coinage containing the queen's face, which can be found in countries that don't even speak English
2. Fawlty Towers reruns, which can be found in countries that don't even speak English
3. The Commonwealth Games, which just ended last week

Delhi 2010: Come out and get kidnapped and forced into a life as a beggar for the Indian Mafia. Oh no, wait, I mean come out and play.

We had never heard of the Commonwealth Games, but they're pretty big in countries that England used to dick around. In terms of the quality of competition, the Commonweath Games are a step below the Special Olympics and a step above North Glendale Elementary Track and Field Day.

Anyway, this year the games were held in Delhi. And Delhi, evidently, has a monkey problem. But fear not, because they had a brilliant monkey solution:

MORE MONKEYS!

That's right. Bonnet monkeys, which are the "problem" monkeys in Delhi, are afraid of Langur monkeys, shown above. So, to make conditions safe for the influx of monkey-fearing white people, Delhi police hired trained Langur monkeys to keep the Bonnet monkeys in check. Great idea, but I guarantee you that Bonnet monkeys would be more scared of monkeys in little police uniforms:

I'm sorry - I'll drive slower from now on, Lieutenant Pickles.

And for that matter, they'd be even more scared of monkeys with guns:

No, Mister Binky, bad monkey! You're supposed to disengage the trigger lock first!

For filler you have to admit that this is some funny shit.

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We're not particularly religious people, but when it comes to Jeebus we're always hungry for another lovin' spoonful of his sacri-licious home-made apple piety. So please join us in this prayer, because on this day of days we all have so much to be thankful for.

The Badgers just beat number 1 ranked Ohio State, and we watched the entire game live at the pub, and they even turned the audio on!

Praise Jeebus!

Brian Glass just sent Adam this jacket which defies even the most flaboyant of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles expressions, including "radical," "bodacious," "tubular" and "Bebob and Rocksteady got their laser rifles from dimension X!"

Praise Jeebus!

Lara got to hold one of these things while its mother got brutally shorn!

 Praise Jeebus!

One of Japan's most popular soft drinks is called Pocari Sweat!

Praise Jeebus!

Hi barkeep, I'd like an ice-cold Georgina!

Praise Jeebus!

Amen, and sorry for not writing anything in awhile. We'll get things going asap.

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Have you ever gotten Bartellonied? No, you can't get Bartellonied by huffing uncured epoxy. Trust us.

"Getting Bartellonied" is the New Zealand term for when Sam Bartelloni sends you a gift in the mail. And Adam and Lara just got Bartellonied so freakin hard that it's not even funny. Not even funny to Sam Bartelloni, who just Bartellonied us so fast and hard that it is not a laughing matter whatsoever.

This is Sam Bartelloni. She's a very powerful and complex person - one must be if they are to wield the power to Bartelloni people. In this instance Sam is Bartelloning Gourdy. It goes without saying that Gourdy is lovin' it.

Anywho, Sam sent Lara a bunch of amazing things for her birthday that reminded her how great a country the United States of America is.

Young adult romantic dramas reminded Lara that in America everybody's problems matter, especially if you're a post-apocalyptic teenage emo kid.

Celebrity gossip mags reminded Lara that in America celebrities are respected, unless they are fat, skinny, smart, dumb or just like us.

Velveeta Shells and Cheese reminded Lara that there is a God, and His name is Velveeta Shells and Cheese.

Since Adam's birthday is right around the corner and he throws tantrums when other people get presents and not him, Sam also sent Adam some fine china(town trinkets).

The Fuzzy Philosophers toy was clearly broken, since it allowed Adam to draw himself.

How did Sam know that Adam is in all kinds of legal trouble down here?!

 We all know about thumb wrestling. But did you know about thumb Mexican wrestling? It's significantly more exciting, but you might get stabbed.

Thank you Sam for dumping that big festering bucket of Bartelloni all over our faces. It felt great.

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Adam here, the hairier of the two authors of this blog... or so your memory recalls.

About 2 months ago hair started falling out of my head in big clumps, leaving me with 2 cricket-ball-sized (between the size of a squash ball and a jai-alai ball) bald spots connected by a sparse tundra of thin hairs.

It actually looks pretty good here, but trust me I looked like the Tales From The Crypt guy.

According to the doctor I had a yeast infection on my scalp that would continue to make my hair fall out if untreated, and even if it was treated, it would continue to give my friends from the States punch-line material for up to 10 years.

According to my coworkers I was just going bald in an extremely abrupt and hilarious way, and I needed to accept it.

According to Method Man, herb got my wig fried like a bad perm.

What the blood, clot?

So I began a treatment that involved taking antibiotics, rubbing steroid lotion onto my scalp twice a day, and washing my hair with brown-colored shampoo that smells like coal tar. That didn't work so I bought a new awesome hat. That only worked when I had my hat on - the rest of the time I had bald spots plus hat hair, which according to one of my coworkers made my hair look like "the hair of a dead corpse that has been rotting for a few days in a moist environment." In a last ditch effort to fix the problem I tried this:

Like all the best hairstyles, the Double Fem-Bob looks great but can't stand up to the toils of everyday life.

Fuck that, I'm shaving.

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